Fanwork 16
Sep. 30th, 2013 03:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sharknastyTitle: Litost
Rating: G
Warning: N/A
Summary: Kanti wants to throw her anger around, to be bitter and depressed, but she can't. She is unfortunately becoming the kind of person who does not do this, at least where other people can see.
She doesn't know when hanging out with Karson and Avery suddenly became less of an exercise in her patience and more of an awkward experience that she has to force herself through every single fucking time. She was angry when they had started to date, because Avery was not good enough and Karson was an idiot and no one would listen to her about either of these things. She has to constantly put a tamp down on her meddling these days, has to physically stop herself from shoving two hands in-between their faces when they kiss in her vicinity and pushing them apart.
As much as she dislikes Avery, she makes Karson happy. She makes him do stupid things and sometimes serenades him and lets him cook her godawful dinner that Kanti usually ends up helping to make, or at least buying the ingredients for. Because it makes him happy, and apparently some time between the bloodlust and fangs, Kanti ended up with a throbbing in her heart that makes her consider everyone else above herself and it somehow it now hurts to be selfish and she can't bring herself to do it anymore.
She is sitting on the couch in Avery's apartment, distinctly uncomfortable and trying to focus on her book. It is the latest installment in a series she has been reading since she was a child and she can't even focus on it because she can see Avery and Karson fooling around in the kitchen out of the corner of her eyes. She doesn't want to let them fully out of her sight, because even now she feels the need to make sure Karson is safe and sound. She doesn't want to stare right at them either, afraid to catch them halfway though some sort of innocent but sickly-sweet romantic gesture.
She isn't one for romantic dinners or grand performances, like running through airport security or dancing the perfect dance. That is more Karson's department, no matter how many romcoms they have watched together. What makes Kanti's heart weak are small domestic gestures, like leaning into each other on the couch or nosing into the other's book. Even soft, whispered arguments make her heart speed up and her face flush green. She wants to have what her parents have and she has seen Karson and Avery in that sort of position one time too many and all it does is make her jealous and angry. Once, it made her angry enough to cause a pulse, and she worries less about being a monster and more that whoever she was in a past life was stuck in this sort of situation as well, that she is doomed to watch her friends be happy and never be happy herself. Even worse, to be content or at least willing to swallow her discontent at this, not even getting the satisfaction of a little black speck of envy.
Still, Kanti turns a little more than she needs to when she sees them move, and they are suddenly more clear and they make such a picture that Kanti's knees would be a little shaky if she weren't sitting down. They're shaky anyway.
Avery and Karson are baking cookies, except baking is really the last thing they're doing, because it doesn't seem the dough is going to make it into the oven. Karson is a failure with a mixer and he is flinging dough all over the place while Avery calls him an idiot. They fight over the mixer for a while and dough goes everywhere until the entire set up hits the floor and there is silence. Avery starts to laugh, Karson starts to yell, and Kanti starts to feel like she is the outsider here.
This is not, as she had been told it would be, a gathering of friends. It is more like a gathering of two people who are Romantically Involved and one person who is just Leftovers. Kanti gathers her things and heads for the door, feeling like some sort of waterlogged puzzle piece that isn't the right shape to fit into anything anymore.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Karson asks.
"I have errands to run. I forgot."
She knows he will be able to tell she is lying. Her voice is strained and she is tense and if Karson can tell how she is feeling through a text message, then he can definitely figure her out now. She is not in the mood to be figured out. She is not in the mood to share her feelings, because they are all repulsive. She is angry, she is jealous, she is even a little hateful, but mostly she is ashamed of herself.
Kanti keeps it together on the bus, but only about halfway though the ride before her chest feels tight and she needs to get off. She gets off at the park and keeps one hand pressed over her mouth and the other curled so tight around the handle of her purse that she is actually cutting into her palm with her nails. She lasts until she makes it into a bathroom stall and then starts to cry.
When she cries, her face burns green and her skin glows bright and she heaves so violently that her sobs turn into coughs. Two people come in and leave immediately at the sound, and Kanti could not care less. She bawls violently into her hands and there is a throbbing pain in her skull and she remembers a wild-haired, grey-skinned girl kissing a big-horned and flailing boy. She remembers a thin hairy leg pressing itself against her shoulder and she remembers words of comfort that didn't register then and that don't help now.
'There There Sweetheart,' says a whispery voice in her head, but it hardly matters. She is not a young alien girl watching the love of her teens kiss a boy she wanted to help. She is a teenager watching her best friend in the whole world be happy and doesn't know what to do with her own feelings. She is a girl sobbing in a bathroom stall because she can't even get satisfaction in bitterness, and is worried that this was how it was before she was Kanti Miriam Singh, and that this is the way it will always be.
Rating: G
Warning: N/A
Summary: Kanti wants to throw her anger around, to be bitter and depressed, but she can't. She is unfortunately becoming the kind of person who does not do this, at least where other people can see.
She doesn't know when hanging out with Karson and Avery suddenly became less of an exercise in her patience and more of an awkward experience that she has to force herself through every single fucking time. She was angry when they had started to date, because Avery was not good enough and Karson was an idiot and no one would listen to her about either of these things. She has to constantly put a tamp down on her meddling these days, has to physically stop herself from shoving two hands in-between their faces when they kiss in her vicinity and pushing them apart.
As much as she dislikes Avery, she makes Karson happy. She makes him do stupid things and sometimes serenades him and lets him cook her godawful dinner that Kanti usually ends up helping to make, or at least buying the ingredients for. Because it makes him happy, and apparently some time between the bloodlust and fangs, Kanti ended up with a throbbing in her heart that makes her consider everyone else above herself and it somehow it now hurts to be selfish and she can't bring herself to do it anymore.
She is sitting on the couch in Avery's apartment, distinctly uncomfortable and trying to focus on her book. It is the latest installment in a series she has been reading since she was a child and she can't even focus on it because she can see Avery and Karson fooling around in the kitchen out of the corner of her eyes. She doesn't want to let them fully out of her sight, because even now she feels the need to make sure Karson is safe and sound. She doesn't want to stare right at them either, afraid to catch them halfway though some sort of innocent but sickly-sweet romantic gesture.
She isn't one for romantic dinners or grand performances, like running through airport security or dancing the perfect dance. That is more Karson's department, no matter how many romcoms they have watched together. What makes Kanti's heart weak are small domestic gestures, like leaning into each other on the couch or nosing into the other's book. Even soft, whispered arguments make her heart speed up and her face flush green. She wants to have what her parents have and she has seen Karson and Avery in that sort of position one time too many and all it does is make her jealous and angry. Once, it made her angry enough to cause a pulse, and she worries less about being a monster and more that whoever she was in a past life was stuck in this sort of situation as well, that she is doomed to watch her friends be happy and never be happy herself. Even worse, to be content or at least willing to swallow her discontent at this, not even getting the satisfaction of a little black speck of envy.
Still, Kanti turns a little more than she needs to when she sees them move, and they are suddenly more clear and they make such a picture that Kanti's knees would be a little shaky if she weren't sitting down. They're shaky anyway.
Avery and Karson are baking cookies, except baking is really the last thing they're doing, because it doesn't seem the dough is going to make it into the oven. Karson is a failure with a mixer and he is flinging dough all over the place while Avery calls him an idiot. They fight over the mixer for a while and dough goes everywhere until the entire set up hits the floor and there is silence. Avery starts to laugh, Karson starts to yell, and Kanti starts to feel like she is the outsider here.
This is not, as she had been told it would be, a gathering of friends. It is more like a gathering of two people who are Romantically Involved and one person who is just Leftovers. Kanti gathers her things and heads for the door, feeling like some sort of waterlogged puzzle piece that isn't the right shape to fit into anything anymore.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Karson asks.
"I have errands to run. I forgot."
She knows he will be able to tell she is lying. Her voice is strained and she is tense and if Karson can tell how she is feeling through a text message, then he can definitely figure her out now. She is not in the mood to be figured out. She is not in the mood to share her feelings, because they are all repulsive. She is angry, she is jealous, she is even a little hateful, but mostly she is ashamed of herself.
Kanti keeps it together on the bus, but only about halfway though the ride before her chest feels tight and she needs to get off. She gets off at the park and keeps one hand pressed over her mouth and the other curled so tight around the handle of her purse that she is actually cutting into her palm with her nails. She lasts until she makes it into a bathroom stall and then starts to cry.
When she cries, her face burns green and her skin glows bright and she heaves so violently that her sobs turn into coughs. Two people come in and leave immediately at the sound, and Kanti could not care less. She bawls violently into her hands and there is a throbbing pain in her skull and she remembers a wild-haired, grey-skinned girl kissing a big-horned and flailing boy. She remembers a thin hairy leg pressing itself against her shoulder and she remembers words of comfort that didn't register then and that don't help now.
'There There Sweetheart,' says a whispery voice in her head, but it hardly matters. She is not a young alien girl watching the love of her teens kiss a boy she wanted to help. She is a teenager watching her best friend in the whole world be happy and doesn't know what to do with her own feelings. She is a girl sobbing in a bathroom stall because she can't even get satisfaction in bitterness, and is worried that this was how it was before she was Kanti Miriam Singh, and that this is the way it will always be.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-01 10:54 am (UTC)